Ten and a half months since the big move.
Loneliness is a strange experience. A new one for me.
When I’m with Jamie, I've never been so happy. But when work pulls him away for longer hours than either of us like, I feel isolated. Alone.
Going from being so known by the ones I love so much back in Indiana, to having Jamie, and only Jamie here….it’s a numbing and cold feeling. He’s it. He’s why I’m here. He knows me better than anyone I my life. But besides him, I’m alone. I've got no one I can call up and ask for company, weathers it’s a coffee date or going to see a movie.
I HATE feel needy. I've always considered myself a pretty independent person. I never felt like I NEEDED to be around people. In fact, when I've house sat before or been at home alone, I've loved being on my own for a few weeks. I’m defiantly dependent on relationships and connections with the select few friends. But not needy. When Jamie’s away for work up to 14 hours in the day, I feel needy. Needy for connection. For relationship. Sometimes when he comes home, all I can do when I see him is start crying. And I HATE it. I hate it. It makes me feel winy and childish.
I didn't expect it to be more than 10 months and still not feel like this is home. I know that when I was living at my parents’ house, before we were married, it wasn't a good situation to be in. And in a sense, that place didn't feel like home either.
Where is home?
Sometimes I get coffee with a girl or two I know. Conversation is refreshing, but to an extent, its forced. Because no one know who I am or where I come from. So many questions. “Do you miss your family?” “Do you like Australia?” “Are you homesick?” “Isn't it so nice, so cool that you and your sister married brothers? Do you love having your sister in the same country?” By the time my coffee is finish, I’m tired. I just want to talk to someone who knows me. Knows what makes me tick. Knows all about my past.
Jamie eagerly listens to everything I have to say, wanting to know my every thought. No one has ever cared that much, tirelessly wanting to know me more. But I feel like a vacuum. Constantly taking, taking from my precious husband. I know he doesn't see it like that. But I know he feels helpless. And that is a horrible feeling.
I've had 3 homes in the last year. And every time I've moved, I've KNOWN it’s not permanent. I've tried my very best to make it feel homey. Putting photos up on wall, fresh flowers on the table, scented candles on the bedside. Trying to connect with people around me. My in-laws, my co-workers, people at the church Jamie and I have been attending. Really stepping out of my comfort zone in regards to relationships.
Sometimes I go a week or two without even thinking about all of this. And then other times, I’m in so much pain because ALL of this consumes my mind, day in and day out for weeks at a time. I feel guilty for feeling this way. Like I shouldn't be sad. I never want Jamie to feel as though he isn't enough. He’s all I've wanted for so long. Being with him is a dream. Marriage is AWESOME, to say the least. He’s my everything. I never want to hurt him. I never want to make him feel guilty for us living here and not in America. I want to be able to embrace our life together. To live in the NOW. To enjoy OUR life. A life we both dreamed and hoped for, for so long. If this is where we’ll live for the rest of our lives, I want to be excited about that.
But trying to comprehend doing life and starting a family without the support of my sisters, girlfriends, sweet brothers and amazing mom sometimes feels like too much. But then I think I’m crazy! If I had all of that, that means I wouldn't have the one person in my life who means most to me. I wouldn't give up doing life with Jamie for anything in the world.
When Jamie asks me what’s wrong, I start to explain what I’m feeling and I can see his face go blank. He says he wishes he understand but he doesn't. I don’t expect him to. I don’t know if anyone can understand unless they've gone through this. I don’t want him to feel bad, but I know he does.
These are my thoughts, as jumbled as they are.
I want to learn to be content wherever I am. But loneliness is a strange experience.
